I’m amazed sometimes considering my own little voyage in mindfulness how some believe we must do “a thing” with it. Like focus on something or lack. Empty our brains. Good luck with that. Or just shut it all down and stare blankly at some pattern or other.

I think some believe the thing is an act. A process which carries a start and end. We attach time to it because we never have enough measuring in our lives. Time seems to be a culprit of it. We want to lock down time. So things we do that we love or hate are judged.

To me this is all caddywhompus. We seek to escape but we measure it by amounts. Why? If we do 5 minutes of a meditation or 50. Who is to say wrong or right. Long or short. Why us of course. We make all of it answer our incessant rumblings about time. It becomes a fatality of our whine and our minds desire to control by using time to say we succeed or fail.

Here’s a question. What if mindfulness was not an exercise of time? So many of this. So much of that. What if we just did what felt good and expected no outcomes at all.

To me all of this is not a goal but a practice. A thing we do not to get better or worse. We do it simply to do and be it. A meditation instructor once told me about the nothing practice. I liked it. Why tangle around with a blank mind or renegade thoughts which create a mark? Here are my recipes.

1. Acceptance. Either say with those wonderful brain bits “thanks but I’ll deal with them later” or take them on. No matter what you accept the outcome.
2. Happiness and joy. Be happy with the choice. Be joyful. Let your thoughts be as they may. They come. Some go. Others you hold.
3. Just be and do. You don’t need mental blankness. Or anything. Or nothing you have all or nothing. You don’t need measures.

Then you do just as long as you wish. Forget time. Be happy. Accept. Do and be.

We are so taken with time and supposed control we even subject mindfulness to it. Why? What if you gain nothing? Everything? Some? Who is to say you did right or wrong? Why your little controlling and cajoling mind because you insist time must be done. To succeed. Forget succeeding. Failing. Forget how we measure. Just be Now.

My wife is fond of saying,

Forget tomorrow honey. Let’s just do today. Today I love you. Need you. Want you. You are mine. Now.

So fuck all with time and space. Take your Now. And then do nothing or everything with it. Your choice.

The last weeks have been rather stressful for us. Writing here I sought to clear my mind and emotions a bit by simply putting down in words and blogging what seemed sometimes like an insurmountable peak.

Simply put, and as I sit here finishing a Dairy Queen blizzard, my wife has gone through a set of health challenges which have meant many of the things we love doing we have not been able to. We were about doctor visits, IV drips, medicine and repeats to find some conclusion to them.

Then my wife simply stopped. She became surly and unresponsive and would not answer me. For weeks after the first thing. Today though it all broke down. She held me and touched my face. Told me she loved me and needed me. Then told me the next part.

We are not done nor I think we shall ever be done with medical interventions. This next one addresses some other things but it requires time and money. They will commence when I have the latter to give her. She cried and told me without me she was lost and feared telling me. Yet we have an agreement that she will always tell me. So she did. She held me and cried.

So unlike my ebullient and stubborn Khmer wife. Normally a soul to be reckoned with every day. Strong and brash. Powerful and kind. Warm and sensuous. She fills my times with love and her independent spirit and soul. Until now.

So we will go forward. Will do the next thing. She will be warm and cold the days. She fears it all. But as she told me,

Honey. I have you. You are everything to me. You saved me when I was lost.

So… what to say? Besides I love her and I truly want her back to me. Teasing me. Touching me in so many ways. Showing me her lithe body and sometimes dancing the room naked.

And not today or next week. But soon after. And we can do anything as long as we have each other.

We can’t go as we would like. Go to the beach. Have bikini times. Eat bbq seafood. But tonight my wife one of her best dinners. Chili bbq pork ribs. Potato medley. And she checked on me often. Her cooking always lifts me up. Sometimes Khmer food or she will ask if I’d like. Most often international foods she loves cooking.

And I realized just how much this Khmer woman means to me. Her stubborn streaks. Her warmth and humor. Her calling me lovely. And she crossed some bridge of anger inside and tears resulted.

We never really understand another but we get brief views inside sometimes. She shows it all to me. And I try to get it. Then she laughs. Teases me. And I know what I have none of you do. I just don’t know what it all is. And that’s ok.

The blog has done its duty for me. It has been a bridge of difficult times simply put to words. Thanks for reading along.

Well, back to some daily things in Siem Reap. The weather has been rather interesting lately. Mornings can be just beautiful but by early afternoon rain moves in and makes a statement. I usually leave the house by 10am or so and have been doing this walk I really enjoy both downtown and out some dirt and concrete roads by our house.

Today it was downtown and I stopped at the beautiful Wat Preah Prom Rath Temple which always seems to attract me for some solitude and serenity. It is where I got the red wrist band from a buddhist monk last year. The beauty today was with the broken sky and the grounds of the temple breaking through.

I can always stop awhile and just look at the beauty of the place. It is located right next door to the Noi Cafe I enjoy so on my walking I stopped yet again. I always feel at peace at this particular temple.

From there, since the temple is next to the river, I can walk many different ways to reach the desired reading place for awhile. Heritage Park Mall boasts many wonderful chairs and benches along with a Starbucks I go to sometimes for a break. Mostly though I can sit and read or write in some solitude even with people wandering around. Today I sat and read my Sherlock Holmes stories for about an hour.

Rain had started this afternoon when I reached the Mall so I knew I would sit awhile. Usually the rain lasts about 30 minutes and then we get sunny skies or partly cloudy. In other words, nice walking weather. From the Mall to the house, I have a few choices. I can walk over any number of bridges over Siem Reap river and then cut through either dirt or concrete roads to our place. I picked a slightly longer walk to end my day today. The rain had made giant puddles by where we live so I got to walk through. It made me quite happy I think to just go and feel at peace with all the different weather I was treated to today.

Then I got home and family was over visiting. I usually just go to the room but Alin’s daughter was there who is a lot of fun to tease and talk to. She speaks particularly good English and has a wonderful sense of humor. I’ve mentioned the house has had its share of stress lately so it felt good to see her and joke with her about fruit and how sweet she was.

And that was a day. A day of simplicity bounded by steps and reading. Iced latte early on after a 2 mile walk to reach the coffee shop I wanted.